Pulling the goalie and other sports-related innuendos

I realize I’m not always the most mature person. I still giggle when I hear the word “poop,” so I’m aware my sense of humor needs an upgrade to even be considered juvenile. To drive that point home, here’s a knock-knock joke that still makes me laugh whenever I hear the name Emerson. Just ask Kristin.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Emerson.
Emerson who?
Emerson nice tits, bitch.

I know it’s misogynistic and offensive. And juvenile. Extremely juvenile. I first heard it in high school almost 25 years ago, but even now I just chuckled when I wrote it. I’m sorry.

Nowhere is my juvenile humor more apparent than when I’m watching sports. Sexual innuendos or double entendres are everywhere. Simply turn on a game, let your mind plummet into the gutter (for some of my friends that’s not a far drop) and you will be amazed at how almost anything can sound dirty if you try. Sometimes you don’t really even have to try.

In hockey you can pull your goalie or go 5-hole. Football has tight ends and more penetration than a Jenna Jameson video (so I’ve heard … I’m not all that familiar with her work). In basketball you can take it hard to the hole. Gymnasts stick the landing, while batters try to avoid the high, hard one.

Tonight a new one came to my attention. It seems USA Curling has joined with its sponsor Kodiak to sell condoms to raise awareness of the worldwide HIV and AIDS problem. The name of their condoms? Hurry Hard.

My curling friends know this is what is often shouted while the stone slides down the ice toward the house (there I go again). The skip yells this to the sweepers to sweep the rock harder (that’s what she said). By doing this, the rock will go straighter and faster (really, this is getting ridiculous).

According to the story, a member of USA Curling joked that hurry hard would be a good name for a condom. And the project was born.

I’ve probably overlooked some other good innuendos, which I’m sure some of you will bring to my attention. It’s just as well. I need a blow after ballin’ earlier tonight anyway.